Bert and Ernie Speak Up
*Newsy music*
This just in
This just in
Today’s top story
Violent protests erupted on Sesame Street today
The people have spoken and are demanding answers
to the age old questions surrounding Bert and Ernie’s sexuality.
We’re live outside of Telly and Rosita’s Fix-It Shop surrounded by angry protesters chanting
“The people want to know!
The people need to know:
When Bert sees Ernie does he grow down below?”
The Don’t Ask Don’t Tell Policy on PBS has long been subject to controversy, and now the people are demanding answers.
Last night, a car bomb exploded outside of 5 Sesame Street, where Bert and Ernie have quietly shared an apartment for 29 years.
Zork, a green animated alien puppet lived next door to the suspects in season 17:
“They had what was coming to them. Living in secrecy. Fishing trips. Counting sheep together. I hear them squeaking the rubber ducky ALL NIGHT LONG! It’s time they come forward and admit it!”
Riots set disaster on most of Sesame Street this evening as gay pride supporters clashed with frustrated Sesame Street residents. Singing Fruit Hat Lady Fruta Manzana, shown here, was severely beaten in the mayhem and remains in critical condition at the corner hospital, Peek-a-boo ICU. The Street waits for answers from Bert and Ernie.
After days of violence and demands from the people of Sesame Street, Bert and Ernie are holding a press conference to announce their sexuality. For the first time in two weeks, The Street is silent.
“Bert and I have tried to reason with many of you that demanding a declaration of sexuality from us is immoral.”
“It’s none of your business.”
“Bert and I are free to live as we choose: straight! We will be best friends–and only best friends–through the good times and bad.”
“That’s correct.”
“Thank you.” *squeaks ducky*
The culprits have spoken. They are straight. The Street may struggle to understand this concept for some time. We’ll keep you posted on any developments. Today’s program was brought to you by the letters L,O, V, and E and the number 2.
No trackbacks yet.